Bing a "Step-Mom"

As most of you know I married an amazing may that has two children from a previous marriage. I have been in these children's lives for the past 8 years, and I could not love them any more then I do. I love them with my whole heart and soul. I could not imagine my life with out either of them.

There have been some trials and tribulations in the 8 year road. Things have not always been easy as pie. I would like to share my views as being the step mom and I hope that some of you can take away helpful information to use in your situation.

One of the most hated sentences I hear about stepmothers, especially those without biological kids (which is my case), is any variation of, "It's different when they're your own." This phrase is often by someone who views the step mom as a "non-parent" or usurper of the parental role, especially when I the stepmother tries to discipline my stepchildren. If I hear this, I can assume the speaker has given me all the responsibility of parenting, but none of the rights.

I try to involve myself fully in parenting responsibilities: cooking, cleaning and driving. I was free to experience all the joys of parenthood until I learned what the hated sentence — "these are not your children" — really meant. This happened when my husband undermined my decision-making or didn't allow me to discipline, yet he still expected me to "parent." Now I have not had this happen in a very long  time, but it has happened. It is crushing. I did not understand where he is coming from 7 years ago, but as time has gone on I have grown a tougher skin.

As most stepmothers, I try my hardest to be kind, considerate, and loving to my stepchildren. If my efforts are rebuffed, I naturally feel extremely hurt. My stepchildren have reject my attention and warmth for various reasons. Perhaps they felt that since they already have two parents, they don't want a third one in their lives. They might have been afraid their mother would be hurt if they become close to me. They may not trust that my relationship with their father will last, and do not want to experience loss again. Or, they simply may not share my interests or temperament, and find it hard to relate to me. Any of these obstacles can take a long time to overcome, and the situation might not change at all despite my best efforts. Whatever the case, I need to accept things as they are for my own emotional welfare, and not take my step children's rejection of me as a personal attack. Now this all makes sense and it is what the books I have read (yes I have read "being a good step-parent book), but it is still so hard to not take thing personally. Its just human nature, and frankly some times words really do hurt.

I have been lucky enough to not have to deal with too much rejection from my stepchildren. We have all grown as a family and there is a mutual respect between me and them. I have always given my husband and his children time to spend together without me. I wanted to show them they don't have to compete with me for their dad's attention, and I feel that this really helped demonstrate that his love for them will never change just because he had someone new in his life. In turn Scott would give the kids and I time alone to build our relationships and bonds. I feel this had also made a huge impact on our relationships.

My advice to other Step moms out there?
Being a step mom won't always be rewarding. Sometimes your step kids will appreciate your efforts and sometimes they won’t, but as a parental figure in their lives, you owe it to them (and their parents) to be consistent. Remain steady with your love, attention and affection, even when the kids blow you off or try your patience. Send the message that whenever they decide to come around, you'll be there.